Nixon's house of horror (revamped)
by Clodhopper13
Summary: DO NOT READ THE PREVIOUS VERSION OF THIS IF THIS ONE IS AVAILIBLE . What happens when a demon attacks the Scoobies's with horrible fanfiction, read to find out....


Disclaimer: Yes I own BTVS, That is why I write fanfiction which will be read by a insignificant demographic instead of integrating it into the script  
  
AN: Sorry for posting this twice. Quite a few punctuation errors in the first version of this making it almost impossible to read. Hopefully this version makes more sense. Oh who am I kidding this story will never make sense.  
  
Requisition to Profit from Napoleon is a real piece posted of FF.net, not just one of my Fevered Fantasies also anything in () are actions and anything in *** *** are part of the fanfiction. I of course am adding this little guide because I believe there is a rampant population of idiots on FF.net who are yet to be brought to justice  
  
Summers household  
  
The scoobies are inside the house for a happy get together of some sort  
  
Spike: Give it to me Buffy  
  
Buffy: Oh Spike  
  
Spike: God slayer  
  
Buffy: Don't talk  
  
Spike: When I ask for the god damn remote I mean it  
  
Tara: WILL YOU TWO SHUT-UP, Buffy give him the remote  
  
Buffy gives television remote to Spike who in return sticks his Tongue out at her  
  
Buffy: Tara! Tara!, did you just see that!  
  
Tara: Spike, cut it out  
  
Buffy sticks her tongue out at him  
  
Spike: Stop it  
  
  
  
Willow Xander Anya and Dawn are huddled in a circle  
  
Xander: So Dawn, what was your first kiss like?  
  
Dawn: Well, he was a Vamp but he had the softest lips  
  
Xander: Do tell!  
  
*****Mean While******  
  
The Dork squad's lair  
  
Warren: We need to take the Slayer down  
  
Andrew: You know, this super villain stuff has changed us all, I mean we're men now  
  
Jonathon walks in with a box  
  
Warren: What's in the box  
  
Jonathon: Nothing…. Just Spiderman numbers eight through thirty mint condition collectors editions!!!   
(Jonathon emits several geeky laughs and is followed by Warren and Andrew)  
  
Warren: But enough games, we need the slayer gone, Andrew it's you're week, what do you have planned  
  
Andrew: Something that will change her life forever   
(Begins to laugh maniacally like the villains in James Bond movies but it ends up sounding like Donald duck on speed)  
  
**** later that night****  
  
A thud is heard outside the Summers household  
  
Willow: What was that?  
  
Xander: Who cares, now you were saying Dawn  
  
Dawn: Now where was I? Oh yeah. So he put his arm around me…  
  
Outside the house  
  
Andrew plays the bongo's for several minutes  
  
Warren: So where's the demon?  
  
Andrew: Demon?, I'm just practicing, I am trying out for the band you know  
  
Jonathan: they have Bongo's in the band?  
  
Warren: It doesn't matter, just summon the Demon  
  
Andrew nods and takes out flute, blows once and in a poof of smoke a Demon who bares a uncanny resemblance to Richard Nixon steps forward  
  
Warren: Dude, it's Richard Nixon  
  
Andrew: It's not Nixon, It's a Jakoff demon  
  
Everyone snickers  
  
Warren: It is so Nixon, I'll ask him myself  
  
(Turns to Demon that looks like Nixon)  
  
Warren: Are you Richard Nixon?  
  
Nixon: I believe I am  
  
Warren sticks his tongue out at Andrew  
  
Jonathon: If he's Nixon what use is he to us?  
  
Nixon: Now wait one fandangled minute, you haven't seen my true power  
  
Warren: What's your true power?  
  
Nixon: I have the power of BAD FANFICTION!!!  
  
The trio blanches  
  
Nixon: Just watch  
  
Nixon turns to the Summers house and makes several hand gestures  
  
  
****Inside the house****  
  
Lights flicker on and off  
  
Willow: What's happening?  
  
Buffy: I'll go get Dawn (mumbles) Damn little klepto  
  
Nixon's Voice: You shall all meet your doom!!! Let the bad Fanfiction Commence!!!  
  
  
A large screen appears. The gang starts to read  
  
***REQUISTION TO PROFIT FROM NAPOLEON***  
  
Buffy: What the hell does that mean? Or did that just go over my head. Lots of things go over my head. I like your hair Tara  
  
Tara: Thanks  
  
***AN: I worked really hard on this story. I tried to write like a professional writer and put lots and lots of description so you can really see the story. I feel really proud of the story. It turned out really nice and like poetry's flow. But I am angry that everyone was so mean to Dawn in the house episode. So I decided  
that Dawn should have niceness at her ***  
  
  
Dawn: You say it sister!  
  
Xander: (excitedly) This is gonna be good! The author said it would be good! It's gonna be good!  
  
Spike: What the bloody hell is niceness?  
  
***Spike is crying so badly because Spike is not knowing if Buffy loves him. "I wish Buffy loved me! I love her so badly!!!"***  
  
Buffy: (snickers) Hey Spike, need a Kleenex?  
  
Spike: (shock on his face) WHAT THE HELL!!!, the only time I've ever cried is when Dru left me and Buffy died…. Well there was that time when Angel stole my Cupcake and wouldn't give it back   
  
Buffy: That sonofabitch  
  
Anya: Does anyone notice the grammatical errors which litter this single line, I mean 'Spike is not knowing if Buffy loves him' what the hell is that?!  
  
*** Buffy is really mean to Spike because Buffy hits Spike with Buffy's hands and yells at Spike really loudly***  
  
Xander: Gotta watch out for those Buffy Hands, they can really do a number on you  
  
Buffy: Since when do I yell loudly (Notices the uncomfortable silence) What?!   
  
*** But Buffy's saying "Oh I am too cool I am so cool. Spike would never stop loving me."***  
Buffy: What the hell?!?!  
  
Spike: (imitates Buffy) I am too cool, I am too cool, Watch as I boink the brains out Sp-  
  
Buffy: Shut-up  
  
Willow: I think you're cool  
  
Buffy: Thanks  
  
*** And then Buffy is mean to Dawn also because Dawn is cool and Buffy is so mean. And sometimes Buffy is mean to Willow.***  
  
Dawn: Hah! Whose cool now!  
  
Buffy: I am not mean to anyone  
  
Spike: I beg to differ  
  
Willow: I don't think you're mean  
  
Buffy: Thanks  
  
Anya: Am I the only one who notices the horrible grammar?!  
  
*** Buffy yelled at Willow after Willow was hurt because Willow is a magic addicted woman***  
  
Willow: Now that's not very nice  
  
Buffy: I AM NOT MEAN!!  
  
Spike: I beg to di-  
  
Buffy: SHUT-UP SPIKE!!!  
  
Anya: Does anyone notice the fact she used The word Willow three times in one sentence  
  
Tara: That's just more Willow to love  
  
Willow: ( looks lovingly at Tara) Thanks  
  
*** Magic flows from Willow like a volcano.***  
  
Willow: Sure! Encourage the temptation  
  
Anya: Magic flows from Willow like a volcano? That doesn't make sense!  
  
***Dawn is walking to school and Dawn sees Spike crouched in the bushes like a baby crying and trembling badly.***  
  
Buffy: Hey Spike, Baby wants his bottle?  
  
Spike: SHUT-UP!!!!!!  
  
Anya: If Dawn was walking to school, that means there was sunlight! Fang face here should be a pile of dust!!!!  
  
***"Oh Spike are you okay!" Dawn hisses. Dawn runs forward.***  
  
Spike: Why are you hissing at me niblet? Are you mad at me? I'm sorry  
  
Dawn: I'm not mad at you  
  
Spike: Okay  
  
***.Dawn's hair is multiple sheets of brown bark overlapping the silky waves of amber green liquid of Dawns eyes under the sparkling yellow orb of decadent sunlight muttering upon the sweet spring ground***  
  
Dawn: Um… Okay  
  
Anya: You see, that line would have been beautiful… IF IT MADE ANY SENSE!!!!!  
  
***."No!" Spike likens with Spike's sad pretty eyes. Spike's eyes look like two yellow balls of blue fire dancing amidst the flowering tapestry of long sky overflowing the mist of Sunnydale with their luminescent gray sheens of silk as they look like volcanoes.***  
  
Buffy: Spike likens with Spike's sad pretty eyes?  
  
Spike: My eyes look like two YELLOW balls of BLUE fire!?!  
  
Xander: (snickers) He said Balls  
  
Anya: Okay there's another Volcano, Wasn't the first time enough for this person?  
  
***"I hate how mean Buffy is." Dawn yammers and suddenly Spike realized he is in love with Dawn. "I love you Dawn!"***  
  
Buffy: WHAT THE HELL!!!!  
  
Dawn: WHAT THE HELL!!!!  
  
Spike: WHAT THE HELL!!!!  
  
Anya: You know that it would be a lot more productive if you all said that at the same time  
  
  
***Dawn gets scared and a pretty red lava of a volcano blush spreads over Dawn's breathtakingly beautiful face.***  
  
Spike: I AM NOT A PEDOPHILE!!  
  
Buffy: No one said you were  
  
Dawn: I'm Pretty?  
  
Anya: Once again Volcanoes are used in a context which makes no sense!  
  
Dawn: I'm pretty?  
  
***Dawn turns and runs away.***  
  
Spike: Am I still in the sunlight?  
  
Dawn: I'm pretty?  
  
*** Xander saw Dawn and said "I love you" just this morning so Dawn is scared that everyone loves Dawn.***  
  
Xander: WHAT THE HELL!!!  
  
Anya: WHAT THE HELL!!!  
  
Dawn: I'm pretty!   
  
Tara: Poor Dawnie, why must everyone love her?  
  
*** Dawn is so pretty that it is weird all these boys love Buffy and not Dawn***  
  
Willow: Poor Buffy  
  
Tara: Don't worry, the boy's will stop liking her  
  
Anya: Why do you people not notice the horrible grammar, THE GRAMMAR!!!!!  
  
*** Dawn is like the spring of summer singing overhead in a blue fair***  
  
Anya: That made little sense  
  
***"Oh well I guess I have to live with the fact that everyone is in love with me this badly." Dawn guaranteed..***  
  
Buffy: So Dawn gets all the guys!!  
  
Dawn: Alas! My life is doomed, how can I survive the worship of many guys?  
  
Tara: I'm sure you'll find a way  
  
Anya: Dawn guaranteed? Guaranteed what?   
  
***So Dawn chooses Spike and they marry.***  
  
All:………….  
  
Anya: THAT"S IT!!. What kind of ending is that! I'm pretty sure 15 year olds aren't allowed to marry in the state of California  
  
Spike: Bloody hell!!, Once I find the Bugger who wrote this I'm gonna tear his head off  
  
Buffy: What if the authors a she  
  
Spike: Well I can't hurt a girl…  
  
Xander: I thought you killed two slayers  
  
Spike: That was different  
Anya: Wait! What the hell did the title have to do with the story?!, Requisition to Profit from Napoleon my ass!!!!  
  
  
Out of nowhere Nixon appears  
  
Nixon: Had enough?  
  
All: YES!!!!!!  
  
Nixon: Too bad, more fanfics are coming, MWA HA HA HA HA!!!  
  
  
TBC?  
  
  
Note: Basically this entire story was one long flame with a subplot. I'm not sure if the first language of the author of REQUISTION TO PROFIT FROM NAPOLEON is English but I'd like to tell them that if it isn't write some fiction in your own language before moving on or improve your English (no offense intended) Also, I took it pretty easy on the author. I guess they'll learn to be more careful on what they post on a flame friendly site such as FF.net   
  
To readers with sick twisted minds which rival my own, send me the names of bad Fanfiction which you think is worthy of Richard Nixon. Post them on my review board or e-mail me at DbestdrugsR@hotmail.com 


End file.
